As the title of this post might indicate. All is well. That is a lie. The humans have made me a liar. All was well. Now all is definitely not well. All was well at 10 pm and at 11 pm. I slept through the 12 am and 1 am all is wells, but given that we are still alive, all must have been well. My 2 am all is well bark, in 2 languages I might add, was very poorly received.
Let me back up. I am, as is patently obvious to anyone who ever met me, a dog. A small dog for the time being, but I am growing into my paws and skin. 2 of the major aspects of my job description are watchdog and guard dog. The former is easy and the kind of thing a young labrador like me likes to do. The latter is a little harder as we have a tendency to jump on new people in the house and lick them until they give us food or drown in drool.
Periodically throughout the day and night, I like to get up, stretch my legs and check the house for gas leaks, mosquitoes, poisonous snakes and home invaders, be they ninjas or run of the mill religious cultists. Should I find any, I give the appropriate response. Proportional to the threat. Mosquitoes, for example, tend to get eaten. Cultists too come to think of it. But a snake, dinosaur or threatening home invader gets barked at to raise the alarm and then attacked (licked) until help arrives.
In the event that nothing is untoward, the all clear is sounded. This is a venerable tradition going back millennia. My ancestors did it for primitive man (not much progress there), town criers did it for the illiterate and night watchmen for the nocturnally challenged. Even in recent times the air raid warning systems and public announcement towers in some places play an all clear sound very different from the initial warbling warning.
So why all the trouble, Watson?
I don’t know. Perhaps it was that last night was the first time I had been awake for the 2 am call. Possibly it was proximity. I have grown sufficiently in my time with the humans to be able to jump up onto their bed. They have expressed extreme displeasure with this display of martial prowess. I have yet to see either of them jump more than 6 inches into the air, let alone bound gracefully up onto something higher than head height. Jealousy?
Last night I did the patrol, found nothing untoward. I wandered back into the bedroom and rather than giving a little woofle and heading back to my crate for a nap, I thought I would jump up onto the bed and deliver the news personally. I jumped up. The two of them were contributing to the night time noise in quite horrendous fashion. Something which I never complain about. Neither of them stirred as I walked up the bed between them. When I reached their heads I sat down on the empty pillow and after a gentle clearing of the throat gave voice to my “It is 2 am and all is well.” Twice. In 2 languages.
Ungratefully bastards. I am now locked in a crate in the bathroom. Luckily I managed to snag The Big Dude’s phone without him noticing so I am able to post this and do a little shopping whilst waiting for my parole hearing.