Fuck a duck.

fuck-a-duck

Let me tell you about my day.  The sun rose.  It traversed the sky.  All hell broke loose.  It set.

Let me explain a little.

When I say ‘the sun rose’, I don’t actually mean it rose as in got up or raised itself from the dead or anything hokey.  In fact what happens is the earth rotates on its axis. Which brings the stationary sun back into view.  But, I am sure some of you know this.

No.  The all hell broke lose thing was a huge ass alligator!  I am sure that some will have seen the video.  For those that haven’t, I shall insert a link hereish.

Can you see the size of that bastard?  He looks hungry too. The humans named him Humpback! Idiots.

Now,  I am OK with the humans. Ok with the horses, the bears, raccoons, the opossums and other critters that reside around here.  The snakes give me the heebie-jeebies. I think that is a religious thing. I live in the south. Everything here is Lordy this and Lordy that. People are always talking about Satan and apples and fig leaves. So, it must be a part of that.  Or it could be the constant, bloody lisping.

Back to the alligator.  First off. What the fuck? Those fucktards in the background are lying down!  I know that alligators aren’t the fastest of runners, but still.  Lying down is a bit like dousing yourself in gas (petrol for the colonials) and then standing next to the bad guy in any number of horrific horror movies or action slashers, and then calling his sister a whore. Dumb.

Secondly, and this is probably more concerning to me than to you.Unless you live close by the Lakelands. HE IS FUCKING HUGE!  I am assuming he is a he.  I could be wrong. The camera person didn’t think to zoom in to check.  I am only 54 days old, at the time of writing, and I can tell you that he is one of the top 5 scary things I have seen so far in my life. I should also remind you that I was blind for the first 21 days of my life.  That means he is in the top 5 scariest things in 54 days which included 3 weeks living in the dark with no senses other than a hyper-aware sense of touch!  Cobweb in the face in the dark anyone?

The truly terrifying part about this for me is not knowing what he smells like.  I live a stone’s throw away from a lake.  Maybe THE lake.  That bastard could be within 100 meters of me right now and I wouldn’t know it.  How am I supposed to know when to run?  We canines rely on our sense of smell to do just about everything.

I have been trying to create a mental olfactory template for Humpback.  As near as I can come up with, an alligator is going to smell like a combination of lake water, mud, fish shit, bird shit and probably, judging by the size of that hump, camel shit.  Hey hey Watson, you’re onto a winner.  That all makes sense. Now you know what to keep a nose out for! Great. But. The lake is 100m away and it smells like a lake, mud, fish shit and bird shit. So I am fucked. The biggest problem I have is not knowing what a camel smells like. I think that could be the one smell that could save my life. For now, I am trying to keep siblings between me and the door at all times. I have even cut down on the amount of food I consumed with dinner.

“WTF, Watson?”  I hear you bellow.

It is true.  I thought that if I were lighter on my feet, I would be faster than them too.  I only need to outrun one or two of them after all.

Time for me to hit the back wall for safety and a nap.  It is going to be a long night and I think I am going to be on guard duty for most of it.  Hopefully, I will post something tomorrow.  If not, you know what happened.

one-eye-open

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sniff sniff zzzzzzzzzzsniffzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzsniff