Apologies for yesterday. I was feeling very slightly aggrieved. The laws and nuances involved in adopting a human family are quite complex. They are exacerbated by the fact that my family don’t actually live on this side of the planet. Once they have had their health checks and vaccinations they are coming to pick me up with their paperwork attached and I shall have to take them to the USDA office in Gainesville to be stamped and embossed. I hope that it doesn’t damage then too badly. The large one has a pleasant enough countenance and the Dysonator is quite frankly a hottie. I quite look forward to snuggling with her between bouts of combat with Vader Tull. I still haven’t worked that one out yet, but it won’t be long before the scales fall. Personally I was just going to get them a collar each and small name tag.
Given the extra day or so I am required to lay about at this hotel in the country I thought that I might edify myself constructively about the opening salvo in this adoption process. Apparently the first day and night with a human family can be quite hard for them. The most important thing to do is to give them space and time to adjust. Sadly for our little cadre that isn’t really possible. I shall have to get them as relaxed and bonded as possible in the shortest time imaginable before we all hop on a plane and fly round the world. Over the world is customary I think. We are going over the North Pole. I shall, of course keep you appraised of the current state of Santa should we see him in any post season reindeer racing.
Everything I have read says that the humans should be kept in a smallish room for the first hours as they find their way. Any barking, whining and crying should be superficially ignored, but the sound should be etched on the heart muscles so you can identify them in a crisis. A crowded room, in a kidnapping event or even just tell when they are genuinely hurt, or just play acting to gain attention, that kind of shenanigans. The literature also recommends taking the humans to a place where they can relieve themselves and to offer boundless encouragement and positive reinforcement when they get it right. Oh joy. Watching humans shit. Not my favorite thing to do. That would be either peeing on things or eating/sleeping.
I am supposed to stay with them for the first night or two. I should keep them out of drafts and generally be on hand to deal with any nocturnal troubles, toilet emergencies and or separation anxiety. It really does seem like a lot of hassle and one can only hope that they get the fuck over it as soon as is humanly possible. I hope that they don’t snore. The Dysonator looks like she could move a bed across the room. The Big Dude, less so. He looks like the kind of sleeper that could maintain a solid slumber through pretty much anything barring a Star Wars marathon.
Seems like a load of bollocks really. I might just open the door, push them in and then throw a beer or two in after them. Yell, sleep well and then go and lick my balls for an hour or two. Time will tell. Perhaps I should read another book before committing to a course of action. In the mean time, food to eat, romping to do and things to pee on. Plenty of them. I am going to try to get out of the hotel today and go lay claim to some of the tree over yonder. Updates tomorrow.